The Top 10s :))

Top Ten Signs That You’re Sleazy

A friend worked in Dubai and he doesn’t have facial hair. One time in a market, an Arab rubbed his “stick” on my friend’s butt twice. The Arab thought he was gay because he didn’t have a beard.

We have an officemate, every time he’s talking to a pretty girl, he keeps his hand in his pocket, and before long, you can see his hand moving inside his pocket.

If you bluetooth porn videos to complete strangers in public places.

If you fantasize that sweaty stinky construction workers do the deed with you against your will.

If you deliberately stopped your car in the middle of a very busy highway just so you can have a good view of Angel Locsin’s armpit.

If whenever you see a pregnant woman, you start imagining how she and her husband did it.

True Story: an officemate went to the office doctor complaining of dizziness. The doctor offered her a breast exam.

When you get turned on watching sex on Animal Planet.

We know of a gay urologist who insists on a rectal exam even if the guy is just complaining of a sore throat.

A guy prof would always adjust our nametags pinned on our chests.

If you frequent salons because you get turned on everytime the assistants shampoo your hair.

If you get turned on by naked mannequins.

I’m sleazy because I wear my wife’s undies after she uses them.

Wife: “Hon, yung cellphone ko na tinago ko sa panty, nagva-vibrate!”
Husband: “Ano tanggalin ko?”
Wife: “Hindi! Kunin mo yung charger, lowbatt na eh!”


Top Ten Signs That You Partied Too Hard

If you wake up naked the next morning in bed with your 40-year-old spinster neighbor wearing your shirt. And when you ask her: “What are you doing here?” She answers: “Because this is my house. Yours is next door.”

If you go to a party as Danilo, and you leave as “Danica”.

If you’re walking home late at night, and everytime kumidlat, ngumingiti ka, kasi feeling mo, “picture picture!”

My friend puked on the inside of his windshield, and was trying to wipe it off using his wipers, which were outside.

If the next day, the professor calls your name during attendance, and you shout: “In Da Houz!”

If you kiss the car goodnight after you parked the wife.

If you get home with the right car, but the wrong girlfriend.

Your friend raises FIVE fingers and asks you how many, and you answer: “FOUR!” while raising THREE.

You wake up with a strange kid shouting in your face, saying: “Daddy!”

At the casino I used to work for, it was common for drunk guests to ask: “Anong oras na?” And if I say: “Alas sais.” They’d ask: “Umaga o gabi?”


Top Ten Taray Quotes

Back in college, I was walking along Mendiola when this manong came up to me out of nowhere and said: “Hi, beauty!” So I answered: “Hello, beast.”

During a wedding, an aunt asked me: “Kelan ka susunod?” I answered: “Tita naman, how would you feel kung magkita tayo sa burol and I asked you the same question?”

“Hindi ko sinasabing maganda ako. Ang sinasabi ko lang pangit ka.”

While studying a difficult lesson in school, a classmate told his groupmate: “I’m as confused as your sexuality!”

Sister ordered burger with no lettuce. Burger arrived with lettuce. When she got mad manager apologized and offered free side order. Sister: “Ang gusto lang, tanggalin ang lettuce, hindi yung bigyan niyo ko ng kung anu-ano!”

Girl1: “Bakit ang sama mo makatingin?”
Girl2: “Eh ikaw, bakit ang sama mo tignan?”

“Pag nakikita kita, parang gusto ko mag-sorry sa mga mata ko.”

“Diba pag pangit ka dapat nice ka?”

Wife: “Bili mo kong bagong bra!”
Husband: “Wag ka na mag-bra, maliit naman boobs mo eh.”
Wife: “Eh bakit ikaw, nagbi-brief?”

After waiting in line so long at the toilet, when I was next in line, a girl approached me and said: “Miss, puwede sumingit? Naiihi na ko eh.” I told her: “Eh ano ba sa palagay mo ang rason kung bakit kami lahat nakapila dito?”

When someone told me: “Ang ganda mo!” I answered: “Sana ikaw din…”

Annoying classmate: “Guys, guys, saan kayo pupunta?” Kami: “Papalayo sa yo.”

When we gave coins to a kid beggar, he said: “Hello, ni value meal di ako makabili nito!”

Girl sees a guy peeing against the wall: “Yuck, ang liit ng tit*, ang daming bulb*l!” Guy: “Ano gusto mo, maliit ang bulb*l at madaming tit*?”

When the cashier at the grocery said: “Miss, puwedeng kendi nalang ang sukli ko sa yo?” I told her: “Bakit, tsokolate ba ang binayad ko?”

At a swimming pool.
Officemate1: “I’m sure lulutang ka.”
Officemate2: “Bakit, dahil payat ako?”
Officemate1: “Hindi, dahil plastic ka.”

Sa isang turo-turo.
Customer: “Miss, may langaw sa arroz caldo ko!”
Tindera: “Sa halagang limang piso, anong ine-expect mo, manok?”

The Top Ten Memorable Goodbye Quotes
After 5 years, I broke up with my girlfriend. She asked for one last kiss. I simply told her: “No.”

“If someone wants to leave? Don’t force them to stay. Make them want to come back.”

“Kapag ipinagpalit ka ng mahal mo sa pangit, hayaan mo na sila. Wala kang laban sa TRUE LOVE!”

Umuwi si misis at may nakitang liham mula sa kanyang asawa. Ang nakasulat: “Hindi na kita kayang pakisamahan. Umalis ako kasama ang 5 anak natin. Paalam.” Nanawagan si misis sa radyo: “Badong, si Nene ito. Umuwi ka na. Ibalik mo na yung 4 na mga bata. Si Junjun lang naman ang sayo diyan!”

The Top Ten Best Text Messages
PULIS: “Ano trabaho mo iha?”
GIRL: “Substitute po sir.”
PULIS: Sigurado ka hindi prostitute?”
GIRL: “Naku, hindi po! Nanay ko po yung prostitute. Pag tinatamad siya, ako po yung substitute…”

(Ang storya ng kandila)
MRS: “Delayed ako ng isang buwan! Pero wag mo muna ipagsabi, nahihiya ako.
MR: “Okay, hon.” (Next day, may dumating na taga-MERALCO)
MERALCO: “Misis, delayed po kayo ng isang buwan.”
MRS: “Ha?!? Paano mo nalaman?”
MERALCO: “Eh nasa record po namin.”
MR: “Aba! Bakit naka-record diyan na delayed ang misis ko?”
MERALCO: “Kung gusto niyo mawala sa record, mag-bayad po kayo.”
MR: “Eh kung ayoko magbayad?”
MERALCO: “Eh di puputulan kayo!”
MR: “Tarantado ka pala eh! Anong gagamitin ni misis?”
MERALCO: “Puwede naman po siya gumamit ng kandila.”

Isang open letter para sa Deped, mula sa concerned parent: “Okay lang naman ang sex education, pero sana naman wala nang homework!”

SPERM # 1: “Pagod na ako! Mamamatay na yata ako! Malayo pa ba tayo sa ovary?”
SPERM#2: “Oo naman! Malayo pa tayo. Kakadaan pa lang natin sa tonsils, eh!”

GMA: “I plan to end poverty and mass starvation!”
ERAP: “Poverty madaling pigilin, pero ang masturbation, human right yun!”

Sad story: “A boy was jealous of his baby brother, so he put poison on his mother’s nipples. The next day, the driver died.”

Thought for the day: “Biruin na ang lasing, kahit pa ang bagong gising, wag lang ang bading na inagawan ng booking.”

Isang gabi sa bahay, may nakita akong naglalakad na matandang babae, na may mahabang buhok na nakatakip sa mukha. Nakasuot ng puro itim, na kakulay ng mga kuko niyang kulay itim din. Bigla niyang binuka ang kanyang mga itim na labi at nagsabing: “Apo, bagay ba sa kin ang EMO?”

From Reader’s Digest: 5 Fun facts from infection control:
#1: While swimming in a pool, you will ingest 1/12 liter of urine.
#2: In an average day, your hand comes into indirect contact w/ 15 penises by touching door knobs.
# 3: Annually, you swallow 12 pubic hairs from fastfoods.
#4: Annually, you swallow 5 insects while sleeping.
#5: Annualy, you shake hands w/ 3 men who have masturbated and failed to wash their hands.

Anong tawag sa taong walang baga? Wala lung…

The Top Ten Title For A Beach Movie
“Straight Nang Lumusong, Bakla Nang Umah0n”

“Dyeseballs: Ang Sirenang May Betlog”

“Sisirin Mo Ang Perlas Ko”

“Beauty And The Beach”

“Maalat Ang Seamen”

The Top Ten Date Quotes
Woody Allen: “Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night.”

Guy: “Nood tayong sine?”
Girl: “Iki-kiss mo ko?”
Guy: “Hindi!”
Girl: “Hihipuan mo ko?”
Guy: “Hindi!”
Girl: “Hahawakan mo boobs ko?”
Guy: “Promise, hindi!”
Girl: “Puwes, manood kang mag-isa mo!”

Girl1: “O, kumusta date mo kagabi?”
Girl2: “Eto, sumakit ang boobs ko…nasobrahan sa kape.”
Girl1: “Ha, may ganung effect ang kape?”
Girl2: “Oo naman, kape-pisil at kape-pindot…”

In a gay beauty pageant, the host asked a contestant: “What is the one thing that symbolizes HAPPINESS for you?” The gay contestant paused, thought for a while and smiled: “EGGPLANT po!”

A starlet was asked: “Ano ang edge mo sa ibang artista?” She answered: “Edge ko po? 24 years old po.”

GMA: “Sorry late ako. Grabe ang brownout sa Makati, 1hr kami sa elevator.”
ERAP: “Mas grabe ang brown out sa San Juan, 2hrs kami ni Jinggoy sa escalator!”

I was trying to flirt with my date, so I told him: “I know what you’re hiding between your legs…” He had this panicked look and said: “Paano mo nalamang may hadhad ako?”

Guy: “I hope you’re not a video game.” Girl: “Huh? Why?” Guy: “Coz I hope you’re not TEKKEN.”

The Top Ten Things To Say If An Ugly Person Asks: “How Do I Look?”
“Let’s just say, that ‘UGLY’ starts with ‘U’. “

“Let me put it this way: pag katabi kita, nagmumukha akong katulong, kasi mukha kang bayong!”

“Para kang treasure…ang sarap mong ilibing!”

“Para kang miss earth…taong lupa!”

“Parang…pangit na nilagyan ng make-up?”

“Depende sa lighting…siguro dapat nakapatay.”

The Top Ten Everyday Statements That Sound Dirty, But Aren’t
“Keep your head down and spread your legs a bit more…” (Golf instructor to student)

“Lawayan mo muna para tumigas, saka mo ipasok.” (pagsilid ng sinulid sa karayom)

Employer: “Anong posisyon?”
Applicant: “Ser, kahit ano, basta makapasok lang.”

“Miss, puwede papatong?” (a guy asking if he can put down his bag on the lady’s table)

“Salatin mo muna bago mo silipin!” (mahjong players)

“Itaas mo…ibaba mo…idiin mo…mas madiin pa…ayaaaan…ang sarap…” (someone having her back scratched)

My mom buys hotdogs being endorsd by Sam Milby. One time she asked my brother: “Nasarapan ka ba sa hotdog ni Sam?” He said: “Okay lang, pero maliit, kaya ng isang subo.”